Our Latest Posts
Seasons of Busyness
Sometimes people ask me if, as a mediator, I have some seasons during the year that are busier than others. Yes, the seasons are different as far as the flow of work. During the summer, the coaching and teaching I do for the Justice Institute of British Columbia (JIBC) certainly slows down, with fewer courses and other academic activities going on there and other places [...]
Jet Fuel for Resolving Conflict (video)
Darrin Hotte, Principal of New Solution Mediation, had the privilege of presenting Jet Fuel for Resolving Conflict, highlighting four tools for moving a conversation with someone you're in conflict with towards resolution. These are tools Darrin himself uses in his Mediation and Conflict Resolution practice. This presentation was a part of the MediateBC's first-ever Virtual Expo, which ran during their Conflict Resolution Week. All of [...]
Co-Mediation: two heads are better than one
Occasionally I have the opportunity to co-mediate, which means working in partnership with an additional mediator. For clients, it’s an excellent opportunity to have extra help in the room, without the extra cost. Sometimes Mediators like to mediate together, to learn from each other and grow their mediation skills. It’s terrific for clients, because they get two minds, two sets of eyes and two sets [...]
What’s unacceptable in Mediation, and why that’s good news
This blog post is about non-admissibility for divorce/separation mediation. Another great thing about family mediation is everything said in and around the mediation session, including all the agreements made, is all non-admissible in court, unless the parties agree something is admissible in court. What’s great about this? If you're a couple in Mediation, and you make a lot of agreements, or have a lot of discussions, and for [...]
The Preparation essential to Separation
Whenever I am contacted by a new client, one thing that’s important to me is good preparation. In fact, preparation is everything. And when I think about preparation and how important it is, the most important preparation happens for the client. Of course I have to prepare as well, getting documents and information, and being personally ready to give my best for my clients. But [...]
Fault-y Reasoning? One critical concept for telling the kids about your separation
Recently I was working with a couple who is separating. We talked about how they were going to talk to their children about why the separation is happening, and why their marriage is changing. We talked about how important it was that neither of them indicated to their children that either one of them was at fault for this. This is not the business of [...]
Mediation and the five stages of grief
I spoke to a clergy member recently about a couple in his congregation who are separating. It was a very difficult situation, as separation often is. One major concern was the level of emotion in one person: they were so emotional, they had a hard time being rational and thinking clearly. This is very normal, as it is a grief process. I see it regularly. [...]
Full Disclosure
One important thing that parties in mediation need to agree to is full disclosure. It’s one of the most important things about the process because it’s a good faith process. Occasionally, though thankfully not often, people in mediation will try to deceive the other person by not giving full information. Now let’s be clear about something: in mediation you don’t have to say everything about [...]
Shared Vision and Values
In my work with family business, there are so many different things we work through with families who are at various stages in their family business history: succession planning, continuity, legacy, leadership and roles in the company, strategy... these are all things families think about when it comes to their business. Shared vision is where it all starts. Families together need to figure out what [...]
But what’s fair?
The NSM Mediation process for Separation and Divorce clients begins with private one-on-one meetings with the parties separately. In them, virtually every client says to me something like: “I just want this to be fair.” And I love hearing that every time. It says to me that they’re not out to get everything they can. They’re concerned about the other party. They’re concerned about the [...]
What’s fair is fair
I talked to a client earlier this year who didn’t know very much about family law. He was getting separated from his wife, so he needed a lot of information about what the law said, and what it meant. Some of the information I gave him made him very upset, because he thought he was going to get a very unfair settlement that would be [...]
The Balance of Power(s)
One important factor in a successful mediation is the balance of power. Any time I move toward mediation with clients, we cover how well they are able to tell their story, stand up for what they think is fair for themselves and their family or other loved ones involved, and how well they're able to listen to the other parties. It's important that everybody in [...]
Our Mediation: more than just Divorce & Separation
I work out with some good buddies. I once asked them if they had questions about mediation. They know a bit about what I do as a separation, divorce and family business mediator, so one of the questions was “What are ways in which mediation can be useful besides in separation, divorce and family business?”. It’s a great question. Mediation can be used any time [...]
Reflecting on Diversity and Mediation
I recently spoke on a panel at the BC Arbitration and Mediation Institute’s annual Symposium. It was a good panel, and we had a great conversation. The topic was around pluralism, and conflict in that context. The idea was that the three of us were going to bring our perspectives on conflicts within certain faith groups, and draw out of that the lessons that can [...]
How long will our Separation Mediation take?
People often ask me how long it will take to do the mediation process. This is a great question and actually one I wish clients would ask me more often, because it tells me they’re thinking about their budgets, and weighing their options for how to get through the separation process, all of which tells me they’re thoughtful and strategic. When you ask that question [...]
A #DIYFail in Separation Mediation: see what it cost this couple
Do-It-Yourself. I’m a big fan of the common use of the term: I work on our home to make it the place we want to live, with occasional inspiration from do-it-yourself home renovation shows. As much as I do my own homework, though, I know my renovation skills and know-how can’t match those of the people who do it for a living. So when [...]
Mediator neutrality, and the two areas where I cannot remain neutral
Another important aspect of the mediation process is the neutrality of the mediator. In mediation, your mediator will not pick sides, or give legal advice to any of the parties. Instead, he or she will protect the parties in the process by maintaining neutrality so the conversations are even, everybody gets a voice, and information is brought to the surface for the parties to make good decisions [...]
The one question I ask parents who are separating
One thing I tell parents beginning their separation mediation process is that they have an opportunity here for their children. Separation and divorce are very common. Relationships change in this way all the time. And there's a reasonable chance that one or more of the clients’ children will also face this same journey of separation. So if they do this well, they have the opportunity [...]
Conflict Resolution Week 2016: considering marriage, relationships and the opportunities we get in conflict
MediateBC's Conflict Resolution Week 2016, November 19-26, is a good time for us to consider how we view conflict, how we handle conflict, and in some ways how we view ourselves. Conflict affects people in different ways. I've seen some people who run from conflict, people that try to avoid it more subtly... I've seen other people who claim they embrace it. The people I admire the [...]
What if the other party doesn’t want to mediate?
This video was part a series of 2-minutes-or-less answers to questions about Mediation and Conflict Resolution, originally filmed for MediateBC's Conflict Resolution Week. Unwillingness to mediate with one party is something I run into to some degree with many mediations. A great question... Other questions I answered in this series: I've heard of Mediation for Big Labour Disputes. Is that what you do? What do you love [...]
I’ve heard of Mediation for Big Labour Disputes. Is that what you do?
This was one in a series of 2-minutes-or-less answers to questions about Mediation and Conflict Resolution, originally filmed for MediateBC's Conflict Resolution Week. Occasionally, and often when it's in the news, people ask mediators like me if we do the same kind of work as a labour dispute mediator. It was wonderful to have MediateBC film my one-minute answer, to help all of us mediators answer that question. [...]
What I love about being a Mediator
This was part of a series of 2-minutes-or-less answers to questions about Mediation and Conflict Resolution, originally filmed for MediateBC's Conflict Resolution Week. In my experience, I find that many of us mediators have a special passion for the role we can play in people's lives in mediation and conflict resolution. As part of Conflict Resolution Week 2016, I will be co-presenting about Affordable Options for Mediation [...]
Considering separation? 3 reasons to call a family mediator before you call your lawyer.
photo credit: iPhone Call via photopin (license) When people are in crisis, they do a lot of different things to react to it. Sometimes people call a close friend. Some people like to be alone. Others turn to distractions to deal with their feelings. So the question is: what should people do when they’re going through a relationship crisis like separation or divorce? [...]
New year need some relational resolution?
It’s a new year. We at New Solution Mediation hope you’re enjoying it so far. This short blog post is mainly to send you back to this older post about resolution for the new year. It was the first blog post for New Solution Mediation, that happened to be a New Year’s message. And we still feel like it’s a valid consideration for any new [...]
Holiday blues? Here are four encouragements and one thing you can do about them
photo credit: Puzzling: What to do with a bunch of broken ornaments? via photopin (license) You’ve likely noticed that the Holiday Season is upon us. For many, it’s a happy time. But what if you’re not happy? I’ve felt shades of “blue” Christmases in the past, so I feel for you if you’re in that boat. When it happens, sadness during the holidays [...]